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.bad things 4
Some things are clearly bad. Def Leppard, for instance, or giving birth to an irriatingly smug test-card-esque child. However, there are some things that cunningly disguise their eggy stink, concealing themselves within "polite" society only to pop out and fall upon the head of unsuspecting victims. Our duty, therefore, is to unmask these things for the traitors they are. This time: Senator Ian Wise on university angst.
.university angst
Some of you (particularly
those who read the forum) may have noticed that I am suffering from the well-known
medical condition of 'University Angst'. My head doctor has informed me that
it is being made much more severe by the absurd amount of hassle and nagging
which I (and my fellow students) receive at the hands of the general educational
constabulary, or 'teachers'. And the worst culprit of all? My 'form tutor'.
Currently the biggest problem (before I ran away on holiday, that is) is what
is commonly known as the personal statement. I wholly dislike this document,
as it's sole purpose seems to be to make someone sound virtually godlike, and
most are almost entirely composed of what are generally referred to as 'lies'.
Or at least half-truths, anyway.
My form tutor spent the last few remaining weeks of Year 12 asking me many probing
questions along the lines of "Ian, where is your personal statement?",
"I need that personal statement, Ian", "Have you even done the
draft of your personal statement?" and "IAN! P-E-R-S-O-N-A-L S-T-A-T-E-M-E-N-T!
NOW!". All of which I responded to by mumbling incoherently, then walking
away quickly whilst muttering phrases of ancient Latin. That mostly did the
trick.
The point is that I haven't really started on it (but for some reason I am writing
this rant complaining about writing it), and I desperately need to get a move
on, and as someone intelligent once said to me, "If you don't have a personality,
then don't write a personal statement". Well, I do have a personality,
I would just quite like people to realise that I'm a lot more interesting in
reality than I sound on paper. No, really, I am.
But still, going by all the examples I've read so far, and the general structure
of outright lies and warped facts, I've written this draft of what I feel would
be the perfect personal statement:
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
| /Name: Ian Wise |
| /Form: 12E |
|
I am a dynamic
figure, often seen scaling tall buildings and commanding armies. I am
known throughout numerous industrial circles for my sweeping reforms in
the area of energy retention and electromagnetic induction propulsion.
I have written critically acclaimed film scripts, TV commercials and Broadway
musicals. I was once in a yachting accident where I managed to save a
small baby whilst fending off Tiger sharks with an old boot, I had to
tread water for three days. I can manage my time efficiently and I am
always punctual. I can fly. Planes as well. I can cook pasta in less than two minutes. I can woo women with my incredible and sensuous skill on the saxophone. I am a professional tree surgeon, and I have an IQ of 414. I have spent three years of my life dedicated to the construction and upkeep of a string of schools, hospitals and Argos outlets in deepest Africa. I am an expert in psychology, a master of art, a lord of the dance and a wanted man in thirty-seven states. I build large suspension bridges for fun. I know kung fu. I have a sixth sense, and can also see past the sub-atomic. Children trust me, adults respect me, and the establishment fears me. I can tell when someone is lying. I don't perspire. I can type 342 words per minute, and once read the entire Oxford dictionary in a single evening. I have achieved a perfect score in snooker, ten-pin bowling and countdown. I also have an award winning line in denim eveningwear. I once defended a large town in Zimbabwe from a swarm of killer bees, using only an inflatable chair and a rake. I can talk to the animals. I think, therefore I am. I receive fan mail, write number one song lyrics and run a successful IT corporation after school on Tuesdays. I am a ninja. I once cooked a twelve-course gourmet meal for 3634 people using only pepper, ground rice, a fish knife and my wits. I can see in the dark. I am a friend to celebrities, a hero to the innocent and an enemy of the state. I was once a sniper in the Russian Army. Most laws of physics do not apply to me. I dance like a butterfly, and sting like a bee. I am a master of origami, an abstract artist and a fearsome gambler. I need only four hours sleep, once a week. I do so whilst jogging. I can repair machinery, re-wire electronics and mend broken hearts. I am an active and productive member of society. I see dead people. I have solved world peace, world hunger and the meaning to life, the universe and everything. I can read compact discs just by looking at them. I only use my powers for good. I am well trained in CPR, open-heart surgery and field archaeology. I have discovered a cure for the common cold, invented and perfected a faster-than-light engine and I completely understand the human condition. I am the son of Jupiter, and I am mankind's last, best, hope for peace. I can walk on water, heal the sick and make water become wine. I was the 100 000th caller and won the free concert tickets. I have the moon on a stick. I am both the Alpha and the Omega. I have climbed the highest mountain, dived to the deepest chasm, touched upon the very essence of life and found the hero inside myself. But I have not yet been to university. |
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Oh well, I'm fairly
annoyed that I probably could have written a proper personal statement in the
time it took me to write this daft one. Unless I just use this one and hope
they see it as showing my 'initiative and character'.
Hmmm… then again, maybe not…
By Ian Wise, who is currently applying to universities across our fair and pleasant land, and is therefore yet to experience the visceral joy of cooked breakfasts three times a week, and lying on a hill pretending to revise but actually wondering what CD to buy next. Anyway.