Alpen.TV: The New Reality TV Channel For Everyone Who's Bored Out Their Minds

8.00 Good Morning, With Matt
No, it's not, it's another absurdly early start for no particular reason apart from eating breakfast, a stupid meal made out of crunchy bits of corn which always get stuck between your teeth and require far too much energy for this time of the morning. But hurrah! It's Thursday!

8.30 What Will Matt Forget Today?
Exciting live gameshow in which contestants place bets on what they think Matt will forget in his hurry to leave the house today. Examples include: brushing his teeth, his left contact lens, to breathe, and his upper logistical cortex. Presented by Dominik Diamond.

9.00 Exciting Random Thought Half Hour
An entirely random thought-train, represented each morning by the work of a different conceptual artist. Today: Anne Geddes.

10.00 Kitchen!
New, four part hi-octane action adventure series set in the frenetic and sometimes bloody world of a catering kitchen. Part One: learning to use the dishwasher.

10.20 Break For Tea
Yes, this really is as exciting as it gets.

10.30 Kitchen!
Part two: All appears to be going smoothly in the world of Kitchen, until Matt has to chop some kiwi fruit.

10.45 On the Other Channel
What you could be watching if you weren't watching this. On Channel 4: ER, and Greene battles to save a young girl's life. On BBC2: Waste Of Time Decorating Hour. On BBC1: the news, messed up as only Anna Ford can.

11.30 Kitchen!
Three: an influx of demanding customers pushes the canteen to the limits, as annoying half-wits with slavering jaws and reduced cranial capacities clamour for more chips when clearly they're being cooked as quickly as they can be but no, not quick enough for these perma-hungry cretins who need their latest fix of fatty crap and boy, do they need it now.

12.00 Other Bands Not Inspired By Radiohead
Today: Muse.

12.30 Bible Stories
The One Where The World Gets Flooded. Starring Courtney Cox Arquette FishBreath, Matt LeBlankLook and David Muttonhead.

13.00pm Kitchen!
Part the fourth: the end is in sight for the weary workforce of Kitchen 1. But wait! There's a deep fat fryer needing cleaning, and some boiling oil to be transferred pointlessly into another pot. And those customers really need their chips, or someone's gonna pay... Starring Robert de Niro, natch.

13.30pm Other Bands Not Inspired By Radiohead
Atomic Kitten.

14.00 Home Time
Fantastic! Isn't work fantastic! Cretinous moron.

15.00 Website Updating
Internal Error #0000555FFFFFFFFX: Your computer is busy or not responding. You may need to shut it down forcibly, perhaps using an axe. However, you will lose all the work you've done on it over the last seven millennia. Continue y/y?

16.30 Countdown
Well, that's a relief :)

17.15 The Weakest Link
Spin, Anne! Spin like a whirling dervish on that self-important podium of light! Risk breaking all the bones in your body, Anne! Kuru Kuri Kururin!