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.bad things 2

Some things are clearly bad. Sprouts, for example, and the "music" of Metallica. Yet some people still persist in claiming that these things are actually Good, and will continue to do so until they are soundly beaten around the head with a hammer. Or forced to look at its non-violent, Internet-based alternative, which is the list below. This as-yet-unspecified-period-of-time: television.

.television

No, not the 70s US band, or the object itself (although clearly sitting in front of a box emitting laser-beams of death for three hours a night can't be a *good thing*, even if there was something remotely entertaining on). No. The reason why Television is a Bad Thing is that it emits crap. Nearly every house in the so-called "First World" has a TV set, correctiment? So millions and millions - nay, billions - of people have a direct connection to the Mother Of All Rubbish. But my ire is directed more specifically at British television for a number of key reasons.

1. There's no sort of variety. Unless you are particularly unburdened with interestingness, the prospect of three hours of wall-to-wall gardening programmes is enough to make you wish you were a polar bear in some remote Alaskan colony. It's heartbreaking when even the prospect of cuddly Alan Titchmarch is not enough to lift your leaden heart. Or something.

2. It's dumb. Although we don't want Jeremy "Jezza" Paxman lecturing us about the links between 21st-century post-modernism and the accounts of Hegel in the 1840s, neither do we want Carol Smilie redecorating dustbins in Essex. Why are there no programmes that tell us about new stuff? Why should we be interested in other people's "lives" which, even if they were real, are probably no different from our own? And why should we have to put up with Julian-fripping-Clary?

3. It costs money. Sounds silly, but we're paying for this stuff. I mean, if we went to Argos and bought some shelves and then got them home to find they were made out of smoked haddock, we'd take them back because they wouldn't work very well, wouldn't we? Well, we are given TV on the presupposition that it'll be fun, and interesting, and entertaining, and not the audio-visual equivalent of a hernia.

4. British people watch it *instead* of doing other things. "What are we doing tonight?" all too often means, "What's on the television tonight?" Although I wouldn't be so cretinous as to suggest that people can't talk properly, or something, because of watching TV (let alone, god forbid, suggesting that people become violent because they see Reservoir Dogs on telly), I would say that life would be far more interesting if people didn't just watch telly because there was nothing better to do.

5. It's not really that enjoyable unless it's good. Try sitting in your favourite chair for two hours solid, not doing anything at all except stare at a fixed point just ahead of you. It's very, very dull. That's what you're doing when you watch rubbish TV.

6. I can never get back the time I spend watching rubbish television. Nuff said.

See? It's rubbish. Now, with these things in mind, let's look at how the programme-makers might come up with a brand new, exciting television product.

a. Choose a genre. Roll a dice to select one of the programme types from list A below, and then one from list B.

Done that? Good. We got, for example, "Cookery within a strict time limit", which is Ready Steady Cook, and "Chat show with canned laughter" which is Esther. But there must be some new possiblities out of the twenty-five permutations available, so keep going until you come up with something original. Alternatively...

b. Sell your tired concept to the BBC. They will buy it for similar amounts of money needed by small African nations to wipe out poverty for the year. Congratulations! Now you must...

c. Choose a host for your new show! As above, roll a dice, and get the person who corresponds to your number!

Hard this, isn't it? You can see why programme-makers are so respected. We've got two now: "Cookery within a strict time limit, presented by Dale Winton" (hgggh), and "Chat show with canned laughter, presented by Davina McCall" (which can only be a matter of time now, really). There we go! Now...

d. Choose a time-slot for your programme! Since all forms of news broadcasting have been pushed back beyond midnight, there's a wealth of time for light-entertainment guff. You choose, really. Just not 10pm, else hard man Pete Sissons'll be round yer house, and then you'll be sorry.

There we go! You've made your very own programme! Now give it a name by doing the same as you did above, rolling two dice and choosing a name from each list. Add the joining words of your choice!

Of course, you may be unhappy with your choice. For instance, we've come up with "Who Wants To Be A Date?", in which contestants aim to become pieces of dried fruit, and "True Stories of Ritual Humiliation", which comes a little close to home. So you may now - if you wish - play your wildcard, which today takes the form of a pun-based title.

e. Pun-based titles are cool! At this stage you may be distinctly unhappy with the way your programme is shaping up. So why not take the alternative route so loved by TV directors everywhere? Choose a programme type, presenter, and title all linked by some appalling pun? For example, here's some ones we thought of:

- Pot Luck! [Cookery show] Chefs choose five ingredients at random from an unmarked bag, and have twenty minutes to cook with them! Presented by Richard Bacon.
- Out of the Frying Pan, Into the Fire! [Chat show] In which top TV chefs have to face a grilling about past misdemeanours! With Anne "Badgerface" Robinson.
- Angling for Promotion! [Game show] In which three fisherman compete to catch fish! In Anglesea! The winner gets a promotion. Presented by Angler Rippon.
- Dimmock's Hammocks! ["Gardening" show] Thirty minutes of top TV gardener "Charlie" Dimmock lying in different hammocks! With no bra on! Enough to get the average British male's heart started.
- Fork in the Road! [Sitcom] Middle-aged cutlery salesman Brian Fork faces a middle-life crisis when his wife Gwen leaves him! Does he continue in the cutlery industry he's become disillusioned with, or start life anew somewhere else? Starring Uri Gellar.

See? There's so much scope for sheer rubbish. And you don't even have to try that hard at all. You too could have a lucrative job in the world of TeleVision. Thankyou, thankyou, and goodnight.