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.bad things 3
Some things are clearly bad. Sprouts, for example, and the "music" of Metallica. Yet some people still persist in claiming that these things are actually Good, and will continue to do so until they are soundly beaten around the head with a hammer. Or forced to look at its non-violent, Internet-based alternative, which takes the form of the soapbox below. This time: Senator Ian Wise on why chain mail (not the knight armour, dolt) is erksome.
.i do not like chain letters
I recently opened my email account and noticed that I had new mail. This does not happen very often, so I was naturally curious. It said 'URGENT - Please read!!!' as it's heading, and I'll admit that I was excited at the prospect of an important email for me. Sadly, as I began to read, I suddenly lost the will to live. What I had received was a chain letter, garishly proclaiming: "For every time you forward this to your friends Bill Gates will send you $1000!!!! But for every day you leave it, it will go down by a dollar!!! Forward now for maximum $$$!!!". I sighed. I do not like chain letters. I have no intention of forwarding this piece of mindless crap to all the people I know, and if I suddenly got the urge to spam all my friends with inane drivel then I would probably shoot myself in the foot. I mean, how many people could actually believe this is true? Is it likely that miser-face Bill is going to be giving away money to all and sundry? Maybe I'm wrong, maybe if I don't forward this then the evil chain-letter pixies will come and torture me in my sleep for not continuing to send this letter that was originally written by Jesus in the year 5 A.D, but I doubt it. In my opinion, all the people who start/forward this kind of thing should be included in the Guinness Book of Records for World's Longest Running Streak of Blatant Stupidity. If these people seriously want to forward something to all and sundry, they should at least try and make it mildly amusing. I've read all the "My dog is both blind and deaf, and was recently run over by a freight train and can no longer fetch sticks or bark at ducks with the other dogs, and for every time you forward this email he will receive 10p from some Omniscient Being", and I am bored of them.
The Basic Types of Chain Letter
1. The first type is the 'scrolling' chain letter. The person who thought of this probably thinks it's very clever. It's not. It's slightly less intelligent than challenging a centipede to an arse-kicking contest.
e.g:
Make a wish!!
Go on!! You know you want to!!
Really!! Make a wish!!!
Ewww!! They'll never go out with you!!
Make another one!!!
Ewww! You sick freak!!!
Finger ache yet?
STOP! I'll bet you made a really good wish, but you should be informed that
if you don't forward this letter to all your friends in the next two tenths
of a second, you will be horribly molested by a rampaging mutant guinea pig.
Here are the rules:
If you send this letter to 1 person: You will really piss off that one person.
If you send this letter to 2-5 people: You will really piss off those 2-5 people.
If you send this letter to 6-10 people: You will really piss off those 6-10 people.
If you send this letter to 10-36 876 people: You will really piss off the population of Luxembourg.
Good luck!!!!!!
e.g:
Greetings, mystic voodoo chieftains originally created this chain letter back in 1452, and they put a black magic curse on it. Whoever does not forward this letter will die slowly and painfully at the hands of the Old Ones (that's not Terry Wogan and the Queen Mother either). These poor souls did not forward this letter, and see what happened to them…
Poorly written
horror story #1:
One day Mr. J Parker, 32 and happily married with a perfect wife and two perfect
children, was walking down the street outside his perfect house. He had previously
received this letter and ignored it. He was just about to walk down the path
to his front door when he was struck down and killed by a runaway ice-cream
van. And by sheer chance the van ran straight over his corpse to run over
and kill his wife, two kids and their entire extended family in one fell swoop.
Remember: THIS COULD HAPPEN TO YOU!!!!
Poorly written
horror story #2:
A small girl named Mary was one day sitting at her daddies' computer when she
noticed this email. She also ignored it, thinking that it was just a fairy story
like Father Christmas, the Bogeyman and Lionel Blair. When she went to turn
the computer off she receiver a powerful electric shock from the switch and
died. She went straight to hell where she was forced to kill and eat helpless
(and adorable) kittens and puppies for the rest of eternity. Remember: THIS
COULD HAPPEN TO YOU!!
You could end up
like poor Mary and Mr. Parker unless you send this to all your friends! Hurry!
There's still time!!!
e.g:
Hello there, and
thank you kindly for taking the time to read this letter. I have written this
in aid of a little boy from the small village of Ishkangeeyoyoipfreely, who
was tragically born without any limbs at all, he is in fact just a collection
of organs piled up in a mud hut, kept alive by a brave and compassionate mountain
goat. We need you to forward this message to all your friends to keep this heroic
goat fed and watered, and thereby keep little Abfulhutopedozey alive for at
least one more day…
Remember, there is no way we can count these letters, so it is all utter crap,
please did deep friends. Now send this to 10 of your closest friends in exactly
32 seconds! Any quicker or slower and you will die instantly.
That's about all
the types of chain letter I can think of. They are all equally annoying and
the people who send them should be neutered. And have their fingers cut off.
And remember, unless you read this and forward it to all your friends then you
will go straight to hell and be forced to read poorly written and unimaginative
chain letters for the rest of time.
By Ian Wise,
who is currently shocked at how long this rant ended up being, and who has not
died or suffered any kind of mishap or disfigurement as a result of not forwarding
that damned letter. Yet.