Black roses

Cracked mirrors

Nosebleeds

Ravens

Giant squid

Libra
At least once this week you will find yourself at the edge of a rocky precipice, perhaps if not metaphorically then at least symbolically. The best way to deal with this scenario is, of course, to take several good steps backwards, unless you find yourself, for some mad reason, with your back to the edge. Lucky seeing device: telescope

Scorpio
Dear Sir, My lady is finding your continued romantic advances somewhat wearying. Indeed, she is in the most part fatigued and would believe it to be both true and honorable if you desisted at once. Yours, Lady Eliza Cranbottom. Lucky seeing device: monocle

Sagittarius
Aside from being the most difficult to spell, your astral sign is the one that puts you most at risk from swollen ankles. If you find this potentially painful condition a problem during the next week, a mixture of sea salts and orange Soleros is suggested to get you back to health. Lucky seeing device: binoculars

Capricorn
Since your birthday is over five months away yet, you may feel yourself feeling somewhat perplexed because no-one has bought you a material token of their spiritual affectations recently. Relax: you may find relief from such a quandary by buying yourself something, or persuading all your family and friends that it's actually Chrimbo right now. Lucky seeing device: eyes

Aquarius
Nothing'll really happen to you this week, except maybe a unexplained tanker crash near your home. Lucky seeing device: coracle

Pisces
You may find yourself mysteriously transported back into the life of the famed Victorian doctor Doctor Watson this week. Panic not, however, as the great and good Sherlock Holmes will incessantly be on hand to save you from danger and stop your stupid but necessary-for-plot-development prattling. Lucky seeing device: The Hubble Telescope

Aries
Do you read the Daily Mail? I no longer like you. Lucky seeing device: greenhouse

Taurus
Your life will be infinitely enriched this week if you pay your author a great respect and visit for him the fabulous website situated at www.theweekly.co.uk. Of course, there's no way he can tell whether you've done so, so just consider yourself blessed by his contant presence, rather like the ravens in the Tower of London, or that blemish on the side of your nose. Lucky seeing device: instamatic camera

Gemini
Your house will this week fall victim to a plague of crickets, rendering your home life intolerable and forcing you to seek refuge amongst the mountain people of K'Trak. Oh no, that was the plot for yesterday's episode of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. Silly me. I always get that muddled with real life. Lucky seeing device: spectrum

Cancer
We rather like the way the jet plane appears to be going into the service station for a packet of Skips and a can of orange Fanta. Eh? What? Oh sorry, wrong piece. Um: this week you will have good luck, ya da ya da, and find the women of your dreams. Lucky seeing device: plectrum

Leo
Your sign is a lion! Wow! What a coincidence: it's also the sign of all the other people whose star sign is Leo! There's obviously something in it, this astrology thing. Lucky seeing device: nostril

Runaway Tankers

Mysterious Ticking Packages

Arab Sheikhs

Fuzzy Caterpillars

Borstal

Myopia

The Bandersnatch

Other Lewis Carrol Creations

Jim Henson

Death