The Intense Humming Of Evil

01. dietary habits

Watch carefully what your neighbour eats. There are some obvious clues: if popping out for a snack involves bringing back a school choir then you're probably on to something. Smaller things can also be hints, though: watch for sudden disappearances of livestock, or a marked reduction of vermin (rats, hamsters, dogs) in the local area.

02. holes in the garden

Deep, inexplicable holes in the garden may mean one of several things.

1. A hellmouth has opened beneath your neighbours' garden. This will shortly spew forth all manner of demon, usually with scaly green skin and unusual coloured eyes.

2. Your neighbours have somehow summoned an interdimensional rift. Harder to gain access to than a Hellmouth, an inter-dimensional rift will cause unxplained changes in the fabric of the space-time continuum, prompting things to happen that would not normally. For instance: cats hiss at empty spaces; babies are born with three heads; Prince makes a good record again.

3. Faulty sewage system.

03. taste in DIY

You should be able to tell if the people "across the way" are communicating with Lucifer through the signals they present to the outside world. However they try to hide it, it's an irrepairable fact that those in league with the armies of darkness need certain characteristic creature comforts. These include:

- Large, sinister spiderwebs.

- Gothic porches, usually featuring a swing, contanstly rocking to and fro.

- Large, unkempt rose bushes, possibly with black roses.

- Coffins.

04. taste in fashion

Similarly, although your local demon-worshippers may endeavour to fit right in with local folk, there are several subtle clues in the way they dress that could tip you off as to their real identity. Watch out for:

- Large, turned up collars (5 points)

- A fondness for black, especially in conjuction with red (10 points)

- Death metal T-shirts (10 points)

- Manacles or spiky boots (15 points)

- Horns (50 points).

05. more extreme signs

Although the indicators given above are good reasons to be suspicious of your next-door neighbour, they are but subtle clues and do not reveal a complete picture of what may be going on behind the suburban facade of number 42. There are, however, more dramatic suggestions that Mr and Mrs X are in league with the horned one. In particular, look for:

- Their name. Generally being called something like Mrs DeVille or Mr Brimstone is a good indication that you are in communique with the Devil.

- Aversion to light. Do your neighbours only come out at night? Do they howl, wolf-like at the moon? Do they drink cat's blood? Then they are probably Demon Spawn.

- Unexplained disappearances. Has your conifer slipped into next door's "swimming pool foundations?" Has Fido been strangely absent these past few days? Are their bones on your doorstep? Is your teenage daughter not in her room playing tapes after all? These objects may already have fallen under the spell of the Hand Of Satan.

Danger. Do not attempt to retrieve these possessions alone, especially not if it involves going down to a basement. You may then find yourself under the neighbours' dark thrall. Instead, consider contacting the relevant authorities or, if you have one, your local freelance demon-slayer. Good luck.

1. "Time to put Granny back to bed. In her coffin."

2. "Oh no! The hellmouth has opened unexpectedly, taking Fido with it!"

3. "I think I'll have my steak rare please, waiter. Actually, can I get it raw?"

4. "Stupid clumpy boots."

5. "These horns really itch."

6. "Mmm, crunchy."

7. "Hail Satan."