.lost episodes

BY TOM STOPPARD, L.A:It happens with every popular drama. Just as the finished product you see on your screens takes a particular dramatic and narrative course, so lurking in the backlots of the TV and film studios lies a whole string of alternative ideas, trial plots, and even entire discarded episodes. It is our pleasure, therefore, to EXCLUSIVELY bring you some of those aborted creative ideas - what we like to call TV's Lost Episodes.

.dawson's creek

Series 5, Episode 001

Returning from their summer break on board a small sailing boat, Joey and Pacey are shocked to discover that Dawson has gone mad and torched the entire town using only torches fabricated from his enormous blond fringe. Jack and Jen, meanwhile, have taken refuge with the old wise woman, who has spends approximately 23 minutes of this episode talking in irritating cliche. No-one has seen Andie for weeks. Maybe she has been ravaged by polar bears.

Director: John McSmugSmugg / Producer: Paul Stupid

 

Series 5, Episode 023

Jack suddenly decides he might actually find that quite mousey one attractive, despite her being entirely the wrong sex. Dawson's love affair with Gretchen takes a surprising turn when she reveals to him her true feelings: actually she'd quite like to have children and settle down. Dawson's life is again thrown into disarray whilst he considers the socioeconomic and biochemical implications of such a situation. For an entire episode.

Director: Anna Borstal / Producer: Paul Stupid

 

Series 6, Episode 004

Accepted early to Hair School, Dawson finds his last night in Capeside has arrived much sooner than everyone had originally anticipated. While Dawson looks forward to spending the evening with Joey, Jack and Jen, Mitch has other ideas. Meanwhile, Dawson's not the only goodbye Jen has in store for her, as she bids farewell to the house she's been sharing with Grams. Finally, Joey says goodbye to Dawson in her own way.

Director: Kris Kristofferson / Producer: Paul Stupid

PS As a result of the research necessary for this piece I have started watching Dawson's Creek again. Fnurg.

.friends

Series 20, Episode 009: The One With All The Coffee

Joey gets offered a part in a really rubbish daytime hospital drama. Chandler worries about something. Monica is obsessed with who left the message on her answerphone. Ross is annoying. Rachel does very little except be bitchy. Phoebe does that funny wide-eyed face and flicks her hair around a bit.

Director: Lamahl / Producer: JimBob McGraw

 

Series 20, Episode 010: The One With All The Coffee

Joey gets offered a part in a really rubbish daytime hospital drama. Chandler worries about something. Monica is obsessed with who left the message on her answerphone. Ross is annoying. Rachel does very little except be bitchy. Phoebe does that funny wide-eyed face and flicks her hair around a bit. Hang on, wasn't this the last episode? Yes.

Director: A Lennox / Producer: D Stewart

 

Series 20, Episode 011: The One With All Vomit Part One

Monica catches a rare, and extremely catching, tropical disease whilst out buying bagels. Ross is late on his way to the airport and so asks his sister to give him a list there. She obliges, hilariously forgetting her dangerous condition. When Ross arrives he hilariously realises his flight's next Thursday, not this Wednesday, so he and Monica return to Central Perk for coffee. The gang meet up and share some laughs together, before Monica collapses on the floor vomiting.

Director: Jon Bon Jovi / Producer: Edward Tudor-Pole

 

Series 20, Episode 011: The One With All Vomit Part Two

Everyone has died.

Director: Richard O'Brien / Producer: Richard Whiteley

 

Series 20, Episode 012: The One Where They're Up All Night

It could be a long sleepless night for everyone as Rachel finagles to spend her first night with Tag until it dawns on her that they did not overnight an important package before they left work, while a clueless Ross and risk their lives when they are stuck on their building's chilly roof. Elsewhere, Phoebe can't rid herself of a relentlessly beeping smoke alarm and Chandler and Monica annoy each other just enough to remain wide-awake.

Director: Violet Berlin / Producer: Stuart Campbell

.star trek: the original series

Series 1 Episodes 3-17

Answering a distress call from planet Betzoid M25, the Starship Enterprise beams aboard three mysterious, and extremely attractive, alien women. (Director's note: you will be able to tell they are alien women because they will have strange jewellery. Also, they will be wearing very few clothes). Upon visiting the planet, Spock and Bones are shocked to discover a strange virus which renders all who come into contact with it insane. Taking it back to the ship inadvertently, Spock realises that the crew only have forty-eight hours to live. Whilst Bones struggles to discover an antidote to the unknown disease, Kirk needlessly beams down to a red, dusty planet and has a fist-fight with some extremely human-looking alien, despite the fact that both men have high-powered electric guns in their belts. For some reason, the Enterprise is spiralling out of control when Kirk returns, possibly because a mad random red-shirted man has taken control of the only engine room in the entire ship. Whilst Scotty attempts to break into the room, Bones discovers a cure and dispatches it through the ship's air conditioning system. Relieved that they are once again safe, Kirk puts the Enterprise back on course before returning to his quarters to find a bevy of lovely ladies waiting for him.

Director: Steve Misogynist / Producer: Deliah Smythe