6.00am Rise and Shine with Dom
Dom gets up stupidly early to do work, or go to campus, or do something fearfully energetic which should not be attempted by mere mortals, alright?
Director: Stephen Stupid 8008964

9.00 Matt Wakes Up
Hngh. Erk. Pfft. Erk. Hngh. Erk. Pfft. EEK! Is that the time? Oh, fug, I shouldn't have gone out last night! And is that pain in my stomach still there? Yes, yes it is. Oh, rah. Oh fug, I've tripped over my headphone cable, and I'm supposed to be on campus in an hour to sit behind a stall or SOMETHING, and there'll be no buses and - Kimmy...?

10.00 Avoid Work Hour
Already limbering up for the forthcoming summer exams (in week 36, kids), the students find something to do that isn't work. Today: making tea.
Director: Jim Machiavelli. 666666

11.00 Random Seminar
Exciting gameshow in which contestants place bets upon what seminar they think it'll be today, because I'm sure they keep changing them around.
Do you want to be a contestant? Well, you can't.

12.00 What Shall I Not Have For Lunch?
Culinary recommendations on what combinations of food are most unappealing and you definitely shouldn't try any time soon. Today: hedgehog. Hosted by Ainsley Haricot.
Harriot. We meant Harriot. (You're fired! - Ed)

1.00 News
A kitchen turns away, except for one person who wants to see what their shares are doing like.

1.45 Neighbours
Everyone comes back! In today's fraught episode, Susan makes a pot of tea.

2.10 Random Things Happen
A series of programmes, hosted by Kim Tate, in which something entirely random will happen, usually involving food being spilt down Matt.

2.15 Food is Spilt Down Matt
Today: Jamaican chicken, whatever that is.

2.30 Recruitment Fair
Free pens for everyone! And sticky owls.

2.45 All Of Your Library Books Are Missing
A trip to the library leads you to discover that every single book you ever thought might be even vaguely relevant has already been taken out, and has thirteen thousand reservations, but you're still fined £2.40.

3.00 What's Danny Doing In The Bookstore?
Today: ordering books whilst eating a Mars Bar.

3.15 Lectures
Like, y'know, they happen. Sometimes

4.15 Sitting in Xananas
Arts/science student ratio today: 3,995/0.

4.45 Eating
It's been at least thirteen minutes since the last nano-meal, and already people are feeling peckish. Must. Make. Toast.

5.15 Sweets!
New spin-off from the hit Eating show.

5.30 Who's In Kim's House?
Gameshow, in which contestants must guess which random person is in Kim's house, having conversations with her housemates and possibly filching all her food.

7.00 Let's Socialise!
Some lovely work-avoidance in a socially acceptable, large-scale form. Today: watching videos around Charlotte's.

8.00 The Bus Hasn't Come Yet.

9.00 Let's Socialise! Again.
Er-hum. Some lovely work-avoidance in a socially acceptable, large-scale form. Today: watching videos around Charlotte's.

11.30 Sleep Deprivation Is Fun!
In which contestants stay up as long as they can without snapping and going on a violent Haribo-fuelled rampage through the streets of Coventry, or Leamington, or wherever the random house they've ended up today is situated.

2.30 Let Me Crash On Your Floor?
Bribed with the promise of breakfast in the morning, and that we won't be noisy or fidgety honest, some poor unsuspecting person lets Kim and Matt sleep on their floor for the third night running.

atv

Following a successful six-month trial period we're delighted to be able to inform you that AlpenTV is now going live, six days a week, 18 hours a day! Now you can enjoy all your AlpenTV favourites - such as the Avoid Work Hours (with new one-off specials - see below) and Eating - as well as some brand new additions, which are sure to become new favourites. So read on to find out what delights AlpenTV has in store for you in the next week! (Editor - Rhubarb Murdock)