Top Trumps Fight!

<<The Competitors

On the left, Mr Seldo Voss, 20, from foreign climes, here to fight to the death against...

Mr Anthony Martinez, 20, from the parish of London.

Who will succeed? Who will be victorious? Only one Top Trump can go through to the next round - and one will be knocked out at this early stage. Competitors will be put through their paces in five rounds - Physical Violence; Drinking; Cleverness; Camp Attack and Scarinessnessness. Each round is marked out of 10. The one with the most points is the victor. It's as simple as that.

Alright? Let's begin!

Having missed Seldo's sortie without even having to do anything much, Tony response is a little more direct. Running up towards Seldo, giggling loudly, Martinez proceeds to push Seldo into a nearby lamp-post before running off squeaking. Seldo's retaliation is to attempt similar, but the moment of surprise is lost and Tony simply rebounds. Physical Violence Rating: 4/10

The two contestants spend a good deal of time swapping bitchy retorts and idle threats. Although this may come in useful for the later Camp Attack round, it is rendered rather pointless in this round. At last, Seldo makes the opening move, throwing a red stress ball at Tony's head. Sadly, since Seldo's arms are above Tony's head, the ball sails right over the top. Physical Violence Rating: 2/10

His security knocked after the opening round, Seldo's reaction to the announcement of the 2nd is bemusement. "What, drinking? You mean, as in Coke?" When our officials told him that we in fact meant alcohol, Voss was scornful. "What? You know I don't drink. And anyway, even if I did, I wouldn't stand a chance against that thing." Drinking Rating: 0/10

Although analysis of our second subject's academic scores points to impressive things - 74% in the first year exams, kids - closer inspection reveals a couple of doubts. Rumours about direct copying of essays abound, and a recent test result of -1, something previously thought impossible, show that perhaps Mr Martinez is not completely infallable. Still, an Academic Rating of 7/10.

Two rounds to nil down and things aren't looking good for Mr Seldo Voss. However, he still has a couple of surprises up his shortsleeved vest: the ability to talk apparently knowledgably about any given topic, even economics, and to continue babbling in such a manner that makes your head hurt. Even when work is done at the last minute, it appears to get results. Our judges award an Academic rating of 8/10.

Rubbing his hands with glee when he heard the subject of our second round, Tony was seemingly unbothered when we told him that, in fact, he'd won by default and didn't have to drink anything. He then proceeded to down seven orange Reefs, a whole bottle of Irish Man's Cream, four pints, and a shot of vodka. He then giggled manically and walked into a wall. Drinking Rating: 8/10

You will remember us introducing you to the contestants in this year's 2002 Top Trumps: Gaggle Edition, yes? Well, it's now time for these fine specimins to be put into action: to show the practical merits of their theoretical skills, if you will. Over the next few weeks, therefore, alpen.freewebspace.com will be staging, in an exciting Pop Idol-stylee, a series of head-to-head battles to determine the true victor from the Top Trump gene pool. We kick off, in fine fashion, with a confrontation between two old classics: Mr T Martinez and Mr S Voss!

>>The Final Scores

Whilst our judges check their final results, let's have a recap of those scores:

Seldo: Physical Violence 02/Drinking 00/Intelligence 08/Camp Attack 09/Scariness 06

Tony: Physical Violence 04/Drinking 08/Intelligence 07/Camp Attack 07/Scariness 05

Therefore, the final scores are announced as:

Seldo//Tony

25//31

Congratulations then, Mr Tony Martinez, on a tightly-fought first round match. Our sympathies go to Seldo, however, who held his own in all other rounds but could not compete with Martinez in the Drinking Competition. Next round at the weekend...

Never one to be put off by an excess of campness, Mr Martinez resolve is seemingly weakened by Seldo's strong entry. Waving his hands around like a miniature weatherman, Tony impresses the judges by his ability to be very, very, camp, yet still place the blame on those around him. His piece de resistance, however, is surely the understated black shoes/dark blue trousers/white shirt combo he comes dressed in. Camp rating: 7/10

Bolstered by his success in the previous round, Vossy really seems to warm to his next task. Throwing down the pink sparkly gauntlet to his opponent, he proceeds to flail his wrists wildly, dressed all the while in a top purchased from Miss Selfridge. After his opening Camp Attack, Seldo then rolls his eyes skywards, sucks in his cheeks, and makes like a Marc. Camp rating: 9/10

Preparing himself for the final round, Mr Voss inquires with one of our stewards as to the precise form it will take. When told it's simply a case of how frightening you can be, Seldo did manage to scare our judge by suddenly becoming very serious and expressing an interest to be left alone to work now please, thankyou very much. On the whole, however, Seldo is slightly less scary, scoring a still-good 6/10.

Although frequently bitchy to both his opponent and others in Real Life (™), and possessing a giggle that could be regarded as truly something to be terrified of, Mr Martinez can never really overcome his inherent power of making girls wanting to pat him on the head and give him sweets enough to be called completely Scary. Therefore we award Mr Martinez a scariness rating of 5/10.