The World Is A Vampire

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/top 10 annoying things in the world...ever

by mr christopher keates

The universe was clearly created with some infuriating design flaws built in. Here we have the opinion of one Chris Keates on what they are, and how they affect our daily lives. They have been presented highly exciting reverse order, to try and fill the tiny little void left by the absence of moving pictures and a poor quality plot.

9) The fact that there no appears to be eleven toothbrushes between four people in my household. Now, either we have secret lodgers, or a hitherto unnoticed genetic flaw in the Keates bloodline has lead to one of my relatives being composed entirely of teeth. Since only one of these toothbrushes is mine, I find the remaining ten shared between three to be more than a little excessive.

8) Annoying celebrities. Steve Irwin is possibly one of the most notable examples, closely followed by Ainsley Harriot (incidentally, the MS Word spell checker suggests correcting this to Tinsley Haricot). In case you didn't know, Steve Irwin is the crazed Australian lunatic who likes to hold incredibly poisonous creatures by the tail whilst talking animatedly about how unbelievably lethal they are, whilst everyone else clenches their buttocks and gibbers at the screen in terror (although let's all be honest, we all want him to get bitten). Tinsley Haricot, on the other hand, is yet another hyperactive half-wit T.V chef, almost as bad as Jamie Oliver, whose cheap'n'tacky programmes both appear to have been filmed by a camera man suffering from uncontrollable convulsions whilst on roller skates.

7) The way that Biros always disappear, leaving behind only a forlorn collection of lids. I've decided that Bic have finally developed a pen that evaporates like fairy gold a fortnight after purchase (the ideal way to secure a continual demand for their product), or they are stolen by a small invisible leprechaun. Naturally I favour the latter explanation since the former is just plain ridiculous. The Stealer of Biros is just one of a large number of similar invisible household creatures annoyingly employed to take things away (eg, the Car Key Fairy and the Electric Drill Chuck Key Goblin), or bring things (in the case of the Teaspoon at the Bottom of the Washing up Fairy).

6) The Thornbury Gazette. This is generally a production of reasonable quality, to be fair, but I feel that it has gone downhill recently. Last week, for example, I noticed as I wiped my feet on page 2 that they had devoted a half-page spread to a story entitled: "Lost Flowerpot Safely Home". It went on to describe in heart-warming detail how the prized flowerpot, feared stolen the previous week, had been reunited with it's owner through the action of a kindly neighbour. This surely must have won the prize for "Most trivial scoop of the year" hands down. Add a regular contribution from Mrs. E. Stuart (hnngh..) and you have yourself a "top quality publication".

5) Half-arsed, completely ridiculous surveys. There's a new one of these in the papers every week. Personal favourites include: "Scientists find that organically grown fruits and vegetables contain fewer pesticides than those grown using pesticides", and "Children who possess both intelligence and self-confidence are most likely to succeed". Y'THINK!! My God! Forgive my cynicism, but I completely fail to understand the point of these organisations whose raison d'être is to conclusively prove, presumably exhaustively and at great expense, the blindingly obvious.

4) Cheap light bulbs that expire just as you're sitting down to have breakfast. Ours always do this. Grrr.

3) The Thornbury Smell. This odour, the nasal equivalent of a cheese grater, always hits you as you turn off the A38. It's subtle nuances are unmatched by any dung channel or septic tank, and would leave even Jilly Gooldon lost for suitably descriptive adjectives. Hardened residents of Thornbury like to slap their chests and puff out their cheeks whilst commenting upon it's rich bouquet. Some even bottle it and send it to expatriate friends and relatives - presumably to remind them why they left.

2) Mobile phones. I hate everything about them, especially the appallingly tacky ring tones. Especially irritating is the way people telephone their friends at 50p a minute to hold trivial conversations, rather than walking the generally short distance involved to see them face to face. Mobile phones are now becoming so insanely small that most conversations will soon go something like "Hi darling. I'm just on my way home - Oh blast! I've dropped the phone down my ear canal".

By Chris Keates, now sitting in the corner, gibbering insanely at passing cockroaches, claiming that they "will steal the elixir" from him should he fall asleep.

Consumer packaging. Yes, all of it. In my opinion, the phrase "Easy to open pack" is a blatant violation of the Trades Description Act, since the little tab saying "pull here to open" unfailingly pulls straight off and opens bugger all. More annoying still is the way in which jam jar lids are applied to the jar using a 300-Megaton hydraulic ram, requiring superhuman strength or a nuclear bomb to remove them again. Opening instructions on jars of beetroot should henceforth read "attack lid with a carving knife until the little vein on your forehead explodes. Should you succeed in making a hole the size of a teabag perforation, pent up contents and vinegar will shoot out and hit you in the eye".