the worst case survival handbook brought to you by Mr Ian Wise. You may remember him from other such best-selling publications as "A Guide to Sending the Whole Welsh Language In One Text Message Via Those Stupid Shortening Things" and the West End musical "Bile!". This edition administered in the Surface World by Tomkins, Tomkins Tomkins and Tomkins Publishers © 2001. All Rights Reserved, All Wrongs Reversed. Thankyou.

A Chance Encounter With A. A. Gill:

1. Remember, the best form of defence is attack. Go for the face, neck and eyes, preferably with any sharp implements nearby, e.g knives, forks, broken bottles, spearguns, chairlegs, elephant tusks or screwdrivers.
2. When he is sufficiently subdued, retreat to the high ground and find some cover.
3. Wait until the red mist has disappeared, then continue your day in the happy knowledge that you have just done society a huge favour.

Jehovah's Witnesses:

1. Under these circumstances, it is important to realise that arguing will get you nowhere. Neither will listening. Slam the door.
2. If a foot/face is blocking the door, start to speak in tongues whilst waving your hands and frothing. If you have a glass eye, or any other replacement appendage, then now is the time to remove it and wave it in their faces.
3. Remove your shirt and start frothing at the mouth. Proceed to throw liver at them until they leave.

Mispronunciation:

1. In these circumstances, prevention is better than cure. Always talk quietly and into your chest, so no one can ever quite hear what you are saying. This gives you plausible deniability in case of a vocal slip-up.
2. In case of an undeniable mistake, i.e. mispronouncing the word 'nuclear', then try to pass it off as "just being my dialect".
3. Should this fail, go for the jugular.

Karaoke:

1. Duck.
2. Cover.

An Old Lady In The Supermarket Who You Don't Know, But Who Remembers You When You Were Two:

1. Deny being the 'wee young scamp' from her memories. Concoct a phoney story about being an orphan from Kazakhstan who was raised by mountain gorillas, most certainly not the 'chubby ickle babby' she has once seen naked.
2. If she sticks to her guns, remark on just how long ago that was, then change the subject to the ever-decreasing life expectancy in Britain today.
3. If all else fails, just walk faster.

William Shatner:

1. One thing should be made perfectly, absolutely, totally crystal clear: under no circumstances should you allow this man to sing. Should singing become inevitable, I recommend a bullet through the brain. Yours or his, whichever is quicker.
2. If all that troubles you is a conversational encounter, then the most effective solution is to surreptitiously move around behind him and use a sharp knife to cut the strings on his girdle. Run away whilst he struggles to overcome the sudden change in position of his centre of gravity.
3. Should he somehow catch up with you, try fighting him in some sand. If necessary, use a chainsaw.

Deadlines:

1. You forgot.
2. You thought it was next Monday...
3. You forgot.

An Overdue Library Book:

1. Someone stole your library card, then used it maliciously to damage your good name.
2. If said library now has a fingerprint recognition system, then tell them "it must have been my Identical Hand Twin".
3. If stage two failed as you're librarian has more than half a brain, then drop to your knees and plead with them not to fine you, as with just one more blemish on your records you will no longer qualify for "Permission to Breathe on Council Owned Land" under the Free Trade Act of 1762.

The Truth:

1. As of now, you should be aware that the Truth is almost always painful, and should be avoided at all costs. The most obvious way to avoid the Truth is to lie.
2. Should lying fail, and it looks as if the Truth may emerge, then try to go with it, but change key details along the way. E.g. who the Truth involved, what they did, and who they did it with/to.
3. If the Truth finally comes out, immediately respond by voicing as many Truths as possible, concentrating especially on those that concern those who originally spread the rogue Truth about you.

xxx