/random articles index

By definition, a set of random articles shouldn't really have a comprehensive, fully working index, or at least not one that actually sends you to the right sort of place without causing Windows Minesweeper to open unexpectedly and that Santa screensaver you installed last Christmas to come spinning across your monitor when its eyes are still open. But thankfully all of those potential misadventures have been avoided here, although we can't yet guarantee that you won't be magickally transported to the splendour of the "Error 404 Page Not Found" page.

Most recent addition: Word Up!: The Complete Dictionary of Matt-ish

>The Complete Dictionary of Matt-ish Matt Elton

As requested by one Mr Matthew Corder, find here a comprehensive guide to every baffling word and phrase Matt will ever utter. Confused by what his yelps of "Yoiks!"? Perplexed by what exactly his wheel fell off of? Addressed as Officer but unsure as to what you've done to merit such a title? Find out the answers to all this dilemmas and more here, presented in a handy A-Z format through the medium of boxes in complementary blue shades. Black is so last season, darling. [word up!]

>Fully Updated Complete CD List 2002 Matt Elton

Much in the style of someone in infant school with a bag of marbles, or possibly a mad old woman, Matt occassionally likes nothing better than sitting down a making a comprehensive list of everything he owns. It comes down to a bag of beans, half a table, and about a billion CDs. So find here, for your questionable enjoyment, a complete list of every CD Matt owns. God, you're sad. [not really, dear reader]

>The Intense Humming of Evil Matt Elton

Imagine, if you will, unexpectedly and possibly painfully finding out your neighbour is not kindly Mrs Johnson who bakes walnut cookies but is in fact SATAN THE DARK LORD. Now imagine being able to avoid such untimely encounters through perusal of some sort of handy guide as to the signs warning you of such a predicament. Imagine no more. Read this guide instead. [And so on]

>Alpen.TV Matt Elton

Matt's life, but in a Radio Times stylee. See, we told you these articles were random. Actually, this could've gone under the "Rants" heading because it's the single most vitriolic piece of bile Matt's ever written, but done through the cunning use of Humour to make it seem that, actually, he's laughing under his tears. So don't worry, dear reader, because Matt no longer has to work in the dreadful tyranny of the Nuclear Kitchen and has instead decided to return to the milky pastures of Unemployment Land. [babble]

>The Worst Case Survival Handbook Ian Wise

There are many things in this world we live in that are sent to try us. We often spend a large amount of our time desperately trying do avoid actually facing up to these fears. When we do finally confront our nightmares, we often have little to no idea on how we whould handle the situation. That's where this guide comes in. It details the most basic steps of self-defence from the most horrible torments that one could endure. Pay attention class, this information could one day save your life. [yes, you at the back. Stop making paper planes]

>Top Moments in History Matt Elton

It's been brought to my attention (possibly by one of your elk, dear readers, but equally likely by Mrs Miggins, with a tray of tea) that there's rather a lot of whining going on throughout this site.Like this. Whiny whiny whiny. Whiny.So anyway, I thought I'd redress the balance a little through the medium of this shiny, happy column. Because: there have been some Really Quite Good Things happen over the past two thousand million years. No, there have. And you will think so too, if you cut out and keep this lovely fluffy set of articles. (But don't literally do that). (Anyway). [Continues in this vein]

Matt Elton has decided to grow his hair like that child from the Lord of the Rings, just so he can share the dubious honour of looking like a Dudley Moore-clone, or a roll mop.

Ian Wise is a naughty child. In one day he managed to spill ink all over his mother's carpet, and all down the wall, as well as taping over his father's videotapes before bouncing uncontrollably on the sofa shrieking "I'm a naughty child! Smack me! Smack me!" Erm.

"Tom Stoppard" is someone entirely made up, like Nathan Jones or Edward James, and will never be spoken of here again. (Who? -Ed)

>Horoscopes Matt Elton

Some very old horoscopes, which we've completely failed to update since about September and then have the tenecity to pimp through the medium of this menu system despite the fact that they're flagrantly made up and have no bearing on your life whatsoever, despite what it may say in Libra. Anyway. [read on]

>White Noise The Editors

Response to the 2nd edition of the website, crystallised for all time for everyone to see, and unhelpfully presented through the medium of retina-scalding orange and yellow, or whatever colours we chose to illustrate them in. By the way, all the quotes you see on this page are 100% REAL, except for the ones where we changed the names around or made someone new up entirely, or the ones that are made up. Really, you could have spotted that yourself. [Be gone with you.]

>The Lost Episodes "Tom Stoppard"

It happens with every popular drama. Just as the finished product you see on your screens takes a particular dramatic and narrative course, so lurking in the backlots of the TV and film studios lies a whole string of alternative ideas, trial plots, and even entire discarded episodes. It is our pleasure, therefore, to EXCLUSIVELY bring you some of those aborted creative ideas - what we like to call TV's Lost Episodes. [cont]