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We aim to keep alpen.freewebspace.com updated as often as possible, like some manic cucumber-wielding greengrocer. (That's such a poor example - Ed). So, listed below in some kind of chronological order, you'll find the ten most recent things to have been added to the site, excluding webdiary and homepage updates. The days to check back for updates in general are Tuesdays and Fridays, really, by about 5pm. New features will be added twice a week; homepage updates once a week, and webdiary entries whenever we feel like it, really. The most recent update will always be flagged on the start page at the bottom under the six menu buttons. Simple? Not really. Well, read on anyway.

>230202 We're All Going On A Summer Holiday

Hilarious pictures of Matt and Ian on holiday! See Ian in real life! And Matt's legs! How to lose half your readership in one fell swoop!

>220202 wabson.org.uk, but in the future

An "hilarious" spoof of Will's website, set sixty-two years from today.

>>But I liked the one about...

The top five articles on alpen.freewebspace.com so far...

>>The complete Gaggle Top Trumps:Part #1. Part #2. Part #3.

>>The Which Mr Man Would You Be? feature

>>The quizzes: Week #1. Week #2. Week #3. This week's.

>>The Complete Gaggle Dictionary, of words.

>>And finally, of course, the West Country Speech-O-Spinner.

>220202 Snow White And The Gaggle Dwarves

Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work we go.

>180202 Quot-O-Rama!

Tsk. The things people say, eh?

>>Top Updates

Reading from most recent to, erm, least recent below, you'll find every update to alpen.freewebspace.com. This mainly means features - you won't find homepage or weblog updates here - but basically any of the "features" will be listed here. Got a problem or noticed something missing? Mail me.

>110202 Top Trumps: The Gaggle Edition: Part Three

Ah, yes. Like a once-popular now-C-list celebrity hawking it around the clubs and pubs of some backwards West Country village, or a website editor increasingly relying on a tried-and-tested formula rather than true invention (for instance), The Gaggle Edition Top Trumps are back. (Back! BACK!) No, actually: it seems that some of you can't get enough of their fruity goodness (and we're looking particularly at Tony and Kim at this point). So find here a new collection of fearsome warriors. Or something.

>180202 Advertising, In A Doggee Stylee

A brief interlude. BY MISS REBECCA HUTTON

>080202 We Are Standing on the Edge

A piece of sheer, unabashed artiness.

>030202 Which Mr Man or Little Miss Are You?

It occurred to me the other day that I go around calling people "Mister" this and "Miss" that a lot. For instance, Andrew Burley is very rarely "Andrew" and is much more likely to be "Mr Andy" (or online, for reasons that won't be explained here, "Badger Boy"). So, to commemorate this discovery, I decided to create a series of Mr-Men based cartoon figures based upon your very selves, and suggest what I think the books about you would be called if I could write that many words in a row.

>300102 Top Trumps: The Gaggle Edition Part Two

The reaction to the first part of these EXCLUSIVE Gaggle Edition Top Trumps was, to say the least, confused. "What?!" is perhaps as indicative a response as any, although "What the funk do you think you're doing, writing about me like that?" is a more likely one. But some people liked it, so we've done it again with five more unsuspecting candidates who we believe you SHOULD ALL FEAR. Yes. Put the stick down...

>260102 Top Trumps: The Gaggle Edition Part One

You all remember the game from junior school playground. (Except probably not you, Seldo). "My Sandman has one zillion hit points and beats your Gorgon into the GROUND! so I win!" Well now, in celebration of this childhood legend, we are proud to present The Top Trumps: Gaggle Edition! It's a ten part set, so COLLECT THEM ALL!!! We need a good lie down after all that. Second and final part on Sunday.

>220102 The Official West Country Speech-O-Spinner Mssrs Wise and Elton

Ladies and gentlemen of the parish, we know that entering for the first time into the confusing and backward land of the West Country can be a daunting and perplexing experience. For so-called "Turnip Virgins", the place can appear full of mad-eyed wastrels babbling in an incomprehensible tongue. However, fear not, young traveller, because Colonel Ian Wise is on hand with the definitive West Country Speech-O-Spinner to crack even the most baffling of phrases. [Read on...]

>220102 AlpenTV: The Next Generation

Following a successful six-month trial period we're delighted to be able to inform you that AlpenTV is now going live, six days a week, 18 hours a day! Now you can enjoy all your AlpenTV favourites - such as the Avoid Work Hours (with new one-off specials - see below) and Eating - as well as some brand new additions, which are sure to become new favourites. So read on to find out what delights AlpenTV has in store for you in the next week! [yawn]

>200102 The Complete Gaggle Dictionary

As requested by one Mr Matthew Corder, find here a comprehensive guide to every baffling word and phrase Matt will ever utter. Confused by what his yelps of "Yoiks!"? Perplexed by what exactly his wheel fell off of? Addressed as Officer but unsure as to what you've done to merit such a title? Find out the answers to all this dilemmas and more here, presented in a handy A-Z format through the medium of boxes in complementary blue shades. Black is so last season, darling. [word up!]